Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Wanderlust


wan·der·lust  (wndr-lst)
n.
A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.

I am sure that many of you have seen this word floating around the social medias, especially pinterest. The irresistible impulse to travel. I feel like most people get a twitch of wanderlust every now and then. A passing urge, the silent need, but I feel like I need to self diagnose myself with this. I have started noting a few disturbing trends over the last few years. 

I cannot stay put. I need to be exploring and moving constantly. It started in high school but it was quiet, just a secret desire. In college it grew, and it called me to study abroad. I loved that experience. It was so amazing, but everywhere I went everywhere that I checked off my list gave me hundreds more places to visit. And so, in trying to shorten my travel list, I have expanded it to so many countries, states, islands and Continents. I get so itchy staying in one place. 

Unfortunately it all comes back to finances. Even if you can find a job that pays expenses, it rarely pays for other bills and debt. Which is awful. 

So plow on, work hard, get out of debt. That is my motto. Because once I get out of debt, I will be everywhere.  

Monday, November 5, 2012

Maybe I have this wrong.

2 things people should know about me before I start this off.

1. I HATE conflict between people I love. It stresses me out to no end. Makes my insides squeam and crawl. I can;t sleep over it sometimes. Makes me anxious. This is just over two people I love fighting...not even me in an argument.
2. My family is full of the most stubborn, religious and caring people in the world, but boy are they stubborn. They are drawn right down the line on their politics and I am fairly sure that each one would die for their politics. They believe deeply all that they believe. Which is a great thing! I whole heartedly believe that both sides working together is the only way that progress happens and that both sides are fighting for a better world.

I think it is easy to see all the differences in the arguments because we like seeing differences. We see something hear something that we don't like and we want to put as much distance from that person or idea as we possibly can. And in many cases that may be true, but can we see what we agree on?

A HUGE example is the war on welfare. Obviously more liberal minded people can feel that the government should take care of the poor and elderly and sick. Society should take care of them through the government. A Liberal can also see a Conservative as heartless because they don't believe that the government should take care of the aforementioned poor, elderly or sick. It is easy to look at that and say, well "Republicans hate poor people" but we forget that many of the Republicans donate large amounts of money to charities, churches and other institutions that help the sick elderly and poor (actually the top 1% donates more than the other 99% combined). They are just doing it in a different way.

What I am trying to say, and maybe i am not eloquent enough to articulate it correctly is that we are all the same. We have a passion, a belief, a view for a better tomorrow and we work so hard to see that happen. Would a liberal minded person vote for a Republican who promised not to change any laws affecting women's rights, gay marriage, or medicare? Would a Republican vote for someone who would not change those laws either but would fight to cut the spending?

 Both parties see a better America, both offer solutions to create that place. My thought is can we lay the differences aside and work for a tomorrow. Not a better one. Not a brighter one. Not a more equal one. but one where we are existing and thriving again as a country. One that offered real solutions. One where we accept that it takes sacrifice and hard work. One that teaches everyone what it means to support each other. One where we help our neighbors where the Gov't can't afford to.

We all want a brighter America. We all want the dream. We all can achieve the dream. But the reason we don't is because we have forgotten that it doesn't happen overnight, in years, maybe even in your lifetime. If you come to this country as an immigrant. you may not become rich, maybe your kids get an education, then they are successful and they propel their kids to be more successful. If you start out in poverty you honestly won't be a millionaire by the time you die. But you can improve, you can walk up the ladder. And as a country we can walk up the ladder. We can give everyone the rights they deserve and then teach them to better themselves. Teach them to go and take their future. But we can only do that together. Right and left coming together working together and loving together.

I hope it makes sense. Maybe I got it wrong.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Irony

It's terrible to me that, one day into the season of thankfulness I find myself griping about all the things I am not happy about, things I want, things I don't like. I have had to step back several times in the past 24 hours and say "wait, life is actually really great right now. Why am I being so negative and grumpy about life?
I need to remember all the things I have been blessed with. I need to remember to thank God for giving me those things. I feel so guilty after catching myself feeling that way because there are so many people who have less, or have had so much taken away and they are more thankful than I am.
So I am spending this holiday season working hard on only being thankful and really trying to not want.

Friday, September 28, 2012

The Brightside

It's easy for me to forget how lucky I am sometimes. I have a truly blessed life, and sometimes it is so much easier to look at the negative or the wants then to look at all the amazing things I am surrounded by. Every now and then it is good for me to take a step back and just remind myself of the great things that I have and that I am doing.

As many people know, I am in the middle of the interview process, waiting to hear back after they check my references. Waiting is killing me! You have no idea, I am impatient, love surprises, but hate waiting for them! This whole process has taken about 3 weeks and there have been times where I am discouraged or anxious about the whole process, but I need to remember that not only am I in the running for a full time position, in my field, but that I also am working while I am waiting and things are working out OK. I have been so blessed and lucky in this and there are so many less fortunate than I. I have also been able to start my own side business, not to mention Capital Couples, which I have been helping Kevin on.

Secondly, I have a truly amazing boyfriend. There are times when he exasperates me beyond belief, times when I would like one moment alone in our too small apt, but at the end of the day, I am still glad that he is beside me. Never have I felt as loved, cared for and cherished as I do when I am with him. I am lucky to have him in my life and can't believe it has already been 3 years. I am excited for this new chapter in the adventure that is our relationship. He is so good about finding new and exciting things for us to do.

Finally, the support I have from my friends and family is completely overwhelming. I can only begin to imagine my life with out them. It is nice to know that you have someone to turn to if anything were to fall out of place. I also have been making a few new friends in DC and that has been really cool as well.

So basically, this was a quick short blog to thank everyone for being so loving and wonderful, and a time to sit and reflect on all the great things, instead of the anxiety that life can bring to distract you from all that is right.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Money Matters

I have been spending a lot of time lately (lack of full time employment to blame) reading up on news articles from Huffington Post, msn, cnn, ny-times, the washington post, The Atlantic and I have seen a global trend. Everyone is spending more than they make. The US,  Japan, and all over Europe are in debt and are risking bankruptcy. Throughout Europe, countries are relying on countries that have been responsible with their income/outgo budget to give them money to carry on.

The problem is this: Giving money to a person who is habitually failing is like giving an alcoholic a drink, it is not going to solve the problem. Someone, (a financial expert most likely) needs to teach the people of the world how to budget. You could have all the money in the world, but if you cannot budget that money, you will eventually run out. This is why impoverished people who win the lottery often go bankrupt, they spend and spend and spend and don't plan financially.

To add on, citizens of these countries are demanding certain "perks," for lack of a better word, to be provided by our government. It is not a bad thing to want specific services and help. It is normal to want help and support and it would be great if the government could provide these things. And please, do not misunderstand me, I want people who can not afford to help them selves to be helped. But if you look at the debt, America can no longer support the services that it wants to provide. If you take the USA's financial situation looking at it like you would a normal household. Maybe so it looks more doable, lopping off a few zeros, so instead of the debt being trillions, it is merely thousands. Instead of dealing with billions in a budget, it is hundreds. If you begin to "balance America's check book," in the way you balance your own personal, it is completely obvious that there are only 2 options to move forward: increase income decrease outgo.

Before I get into this, I would like to say a few things. First I want to awknowledge that I have lived an EXTREMELY short and sheltered life. I am not claiming to be any sort of an expert, nor am I claiming to understand finance or anything about policies.

Secondly, I will do my absolute best to be non-partisan.  I will cite articles when I use them, try to be balanced in my political opinions, because the specific services that are provided are not what I am talking about. I am merely trying to take us back to the monetary values we had before the 1920's, before credit cards were invented.

I would like to use principles that are taught by personal finance guys like Dave Ramsey (yes Lesley, I can hear your sigh and see the eye rolling now), and then just my own limited experience when I talk about this.. I am going to talk about the US budget, talk about Europe's economy, and then just common sense principles. Just observing on the medias that I have seen and what I would do if I was in charge, which thankfully I am not.

My boyfriend and I recently moved in together, before we did, we looked at our current bills, and then looked at our projected incomes and tightly budgeted our selves for that. We looked at housing in the area, gave our self the recommended 25% to spend on housing and started looking at apartments. Our budget was going to let us spend about $1,500 a month for an apartment. We chose a place that was only $1075 a month but farther away from the city, because we wanted to pocket that extra savings and pay off my student loans or go on mini vacations and weekend trips quicker and with greater ease. After housing came transportation, so we averaged out how much the metro would be per month and it was goingto be about $300 a month per person, then we budgeted for food, allowing our selves to spend about $75 a week on groceries. After that we began adding on amenities, we shopped around on internet, cable, decor, cars and chose things that were in our budget. We chose not to get cable TV, using only internet because we decided that we didn't have the money to spend on that. We are looking to purchase a car. So we are looking to save up and buy one with cash. Not a loan. We cannot afford a monthly car payment, and we don't want to have one. We decided that we will leave our lights off during the day, and keep the thermostats fairly high, because we are trying to cut our budget down. As of right now, we can pay all of our bills off of Kevin's income (minus my student loans of course) but that is right where we want to be, because if one of us loses our job, or takes a pay cut, we will be able to make it. Having good credit is important to us. We are looking to buy a house or condo, and really start our life together. Which requires lots of saving, we cannot do that if we are spending all that we make each month.

Now, to relate that back to the larger more grand scale: when looking at a countries deficit, there are only two options. Make more money, or spend less. Because our debt is so high, it would be ideal if they could do both. Think of planned parent hood as cable tv, think of welfare and food stamps as internet, think of veteran services as your car payment, all of these things are great when you can afford them, but now it is time to make some really hard sacrifices. Honestly it really sucks, I can tell you that I personally don't want to live with out TV. I like having recorded shows at my finger tips, but there were things that were way more important to me and my boyfriend. I am definitely not trying to trivialize the help that these people recieve, I am not trying to say that they don't deserve it, just that from a fiscal view, we can't afford to do it.

I think that part of the problem is that people want the government to take care of them, and I mean who doesn't? I would love to have some help, and would love to have to do less. Many times doing less is still so much. I worked 2 jobs in college, worked 25+ hours a week. I interned for free 15 hours a week, I also went to school full time and graduated with fairly good grades. I know that people who need help work extremely hard. But on the flip side, I had one low limit credit card that I regret using. I am in the process of paying it off and once it is done I am cutting it up. Because being in debt is not the way that I want to live.

If countries like Germany and Canada can have great benefits and good education then why can't America? Because Germany looked at its costs and said to provide these services this is what it is going to cost. They were spending less that they made, and they were able to be a profitable country. They have been carrying the euro, and countries like Greece, Italy, Ireland, and Spain are all depending on Germany's responsibility. America hasn't done that realistically.

I know that every once and a while people need help. Something happens and we need a little extra, but we cannot make that the norm. The national debt calculator is only going up. We have been aware of it for years. And all these cuts that congress is making and people are protesting and everyone hates, that will only make the budget work out to 0. That won't begin to pay off any of the debt. I remember 3-4 years ago when people were yelling and screaming about how high the debt is, and they are the same people who want all the benefits. I am not blaming it on one party. I am blaming it on people.

Forbes does interviews with the wealthiest people in the world, and almost all of them said the way to be wealthy is to stay out of debt. Debt completely consumes this country. Gone are the days when hard working Americans save up as much as they can, and spend that saved money. We buy cars, update our phones, move into more house than we can afford, we have kids, buy clothes, go out, go on vacations all with money that we don't actually have. You may think that this isnt you, and for a very small percentage of people, maybe this isnt you. But anyone who uses a credit card, takes out pay day loans, has a loan on a car, student loans, you are all spending more than you can afford. I am not exempting my self from this. I have made mistakes, I took out student loans and am now paying for them. I have a credit card. But I am actively working to not be that way. I also understand that things come up, sickness, car breaks down, things like this that are so out of the ordinary that you are completely unprepared. there is nothing you can do but borrow to rectify the situation. Obviously, there are exceptions, and in a perfect world, if you are financially stable, you can be prepared for these situations and not have to borrow, but if you do, then please make it your effort to pay it back.

I think the world has to come to the realization, that yes we can rely on the government to take care of things like our health care and our poor, like some people want, but all of Americans need to be ready to step up and pay for them. We can also, say WE will take care of these things. We can start non-profits, so that the sick, and hungry and veterans can survive, and they don't depend on the government, or at least SOLELY on the Government. Statistics say that the upper class gives way over half of all the money recieved to non-profits. What if we all stepped up our giving? What if churches, synogages, and mosques all opened their doors and took on the lead role of helping people once again. I know so many of these religious organizations do, and I am not trying to speak ill of anyone. But we are always so focused on being unique and different, what about the bottom line we are all the same. We are all people. And people need to help people.

During World War II the government urged people to plant Victory Gardens, they stopped selling metals because they needed them for planes and ships. What if they reused that wonderful campaign? Instead of sending those resources for troops they used it to get out of debt. People could donate money to a non-profit that was solely in charge in getting us out of debt. You could have memberships to raise money. We could join forces with our neighbors to allow us to rely on each other, we as a people, come together, all over the country to stop diseases, protect nature, feed the hungry, promote awareness, because all of these things have been thrust upon us in a terrible way. Even if we were only able to help out with a few million, and maybe take some pressure off of the outgo, maybe we can help in a small way. What if we found someone who is on government support, or an organization, or a school and we spent a small amount of money helping out people. Maybe we could begin to change things.

I think it comes back to the image people want to display and instant gratification, and for most people I believe that that image is always being new and flashy. Everyone wants everything now. So people borrow, take and spend unwisely to do the things that they want to do. I am not being critical, I understand that sometimes people want to do things, and that they justify it. I have had my faults, buying a new xbox game when I could spend that $20 on loans, food, gas or even giving it away. But I am trying to make this the rare exception and not the norm. Everyone wants to be financially secure and successful. But people don't understand the hard work and sacrifice that it takes to get there on the grander scheme. Living below their means, investing money wisely, not borrowing, driving the same cars until they are dead. They don't waste money on things that they don't need, and then when they have that extra money, they are still living below what they earn.

That is why multi-million dollar jack pot winners go bankrupt, because they were not taught to use their money wisely. People need to be aware of how they spend their money and Dave Ramsey's first step is having a written budget that they calculate each month. People need to direct their money, not have their money direct them. I just want America to be able to recover from this horrendous debt that it has accrued, and that wont happen until the world, and the people in it say we cannot afford this, so we cannot do it anymore. We need to bring people back to a majority of being debt free. We need to get back to saving up to by things and not letting our emotion get the best of us. We can help people turn their lives around, but it starts with knowledge.

I guess what I am saying is that people need to be aware that the only way out of this financial problem, is for government to stop spending, and then rallying together to support each other until we can work our way out of this debt. That is going to be completely long term. Like decades from now long term. It is going to take rebuilding a society, and living on the basics until we can make enough money to support the services that we want. Why is it solely the Government's job to take care of us. I want to know where does personal responsibility come in? What as a human being should I be required to do? And instead of have the government regulate that, why can't parents teach their kids that? I know that it is tough working 40+ hours a week then coming home and trying to then parent children. But I know so many families who have had both parents working their whole lives and they have raised excellent children, with good morals, a clear sense of what is right and wrong, and fighting actively for what they stand for. I have seen this on both sides of the party line as my own family is split in the middle and I am still proud of who they are. Inside, they are all good people, trying to live their lives helping people the best they can.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Writers Block

For me, writing is a passion, a passion that I rarely provide my self with time for, but a soothing passion nonetheless. I am sure that people reading this would say, "Well, if it is a passion then why wouldn't you want to make time for it. Shouldn't it be an all consuming beast eating your time and energy? Feasting on your social life and your sanity?" To them I would say "Snarky, metaphor using reader, that is just the problem." I go through stages, and the Libra in me won't let me actually get devoured by the muses. I go through these terrible stages as a writer and then I become depressed, making my writing depressing to read. Which then, in turn makes me more depressed and so on. I have to tear my self out of it and close Microsoft Word and go out into the world. So because of this, I am going to write tonight, about the stages of me as a writer, and why I realized that I will never become great.

When I start out, I have immense writers block. I sit and stare and nothing come out. I have no idea where to begin, what to say, I have been away for too long. It is like when you haven't seen or spoken to an old friend and at first the conversation is awkward and forced but as the time passes things begin to flow, then I have the opposite of writers block. I have so much going on in my brain that I want to work vomit all over the page. I look at a blank page and see potential in my mind, but the words to communicate that vision are just gone, jumbled with everything else that is in there. Other story ideas, where the current characters should go, what kind of weaponry will they be needing, do I have enough suspense, what about fighting, how do you write a fighting scene, I need more characters, whats a good characters name, how many windows should this barn have, is this city small or large, how will I draft a map of this imaginary realm, what is this characters motivation, how do boys think...all of these things fighting for the front attention.

As I work through all of them, finally putting my mind at ease it is many many hours later, I most likely haven't eaten, and haven't even thought about doing anything else. This is usually as far as I let it go, because the more I write the more I have to write. This is a more healthy version of writing, I take breaks rest, but my desire to go out and speak with real people dwindles quickly. I go from fun loving, lets go out, try new things, and become simply happy drinking tea, writing. People ask me to hang out and I just make excuses, I find it is so much easier to be this way when I am living alone or with family. When I have roommates, it is harder for me to seclude my self.

From there I start to become a little bit depressed. Since I am not a crazy old wealthy lady who can afford to lock her self up in her room, writing until all hours of the night, I still have to function in the real world. So as I go to work, I realize I see people differently. Where once I saw fun individuals who I consider my friends. I see people who I work with, who's lives I am not apart of. I put my self as the outsider. I make myself the martyr, who people don't understand because to engage with these people I have to not write. The characters I write become so much more interesting to me. I see traits in people and weave them into my characters. I look at life so different than I do.

But because of this depression, my work suffers, things become dark when I write and in my life. This is where my needs and desires as a Libra become sorely out of balance. I want to be with people but feel that I am not ready to enter society because I love where my writing is going. If I leave, I may not come back, however if I stay, will I ever be in society again? my Libra wonders. It is hard. I can empathize with the writers who met their tragic ends. I understand the drinking and the pain. I have only experienced it on a small scale because being social has always won out. That is why I can never expect to get anything published. I cannot spend enough time in my work to complete it to a satisfactory level, because I need the human contact that my darker withdrawn self is too selfish to give.

I love writing and will always hope and try to be one, but it will always have to be a past time, and can never be anything more to me. It is a weird revelation to have, and an even weirder one to share. However as I sat looking at the blank web page of my blog that is what came to me, and what I saw. So I figured I would share.

Monday, July 23, 2012

The waiting is over

I have been here in the beautiful District of Columbia for almost 2 weeks now & my total world has be rocked, rolled and flipped upside down. Honestly, nothing about my life is the same. I mean sure, the basics are there, I am still healthy, happy and in student loan debt (who isn't though), but the day to day things are not. My relationship with Kevin is drastically different, where I live, what I do for a living, where I work, what I do on a Friday night, who I hang out with, the way I get around, my financial life, who I can talk to, who I hang out with, even who I talk to through out the day. It is all completely different than it was just a few short weeks ago.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely wonderfully happy. I love the city, I love this life, I love having a place that I can decorate, I love waking up next to Kevin everyday, I love the history and the excitement, I love the metro, I love it all. But there is so much that I didn't think about when moving, or rather, that I forgot when I decided to move. Moving is nothing new for me. I get restless and anxious when I am in one place for too long. I don't know if that is because I have never found the *right* place for me, or if I am just a wandering soul who needs to constantly see new things and try new things. Either way, I am excited for what the future holds, because I cannot stand to be bored for too long. When I moved to California, I was seduced by the beach, sun and movie stars. I was going to find my self, figure out a career and really try to make it 'big' I was as excited for that adventure, as I am for this one, but my last venture was different in so many ways. For starters I was alone. I was moving in with family, and it was supposed to be for a summer. I was excited that first perfect summer was wonderful. I hung out with my awesome 10 year old cousin, we swam, we went on walks, went to the mall, it was a lot of fun. But when I realized I needed to extend my adventure, I went through a slump. I was actually all alone. I didn't have any friends. Sure my family was there and I was comforted by that. but I wanted to know people my age, who were on my path. Luckily I had school. I had a place where there were young people all over, who were awkward, excited and a lot like me.

I wouldn't necessarily say I had tons of friends in Southern California. I had my best friends Lesley and Rob; I had really great friends: All of my co-workers at Lincoln, Ashley Ramos, and a few from other jobs I had worked like Aerie, and then just a lot of acquaintances, if I ran into them at a bar, I was happy to see them, and would hang out. But there was something nice about knowing that these people were there. I could hit them up and see if anything was going to happen. Or just sit at home, with a bottle of wine, lesley, and episodes of monster in laws. It was great and comforting. I knew who I was, what I wanted and my life. I knew my schedule, I knew that I would have a pay check every 2 weeks. I knew what I wanted to do with a career, and I knew that I had a life.

Moving, as I said fulfilled the need I had for some adventure, but it made me leave a lot of things behind. As hard and challenging as it was having Kevin 2700 miles away, I knew what our relationship was. I knew when I would talk to him, what we would talk about, I knew the fights that we would have and what our special moments were going to be. I knew that I could pretty much do what I wanted, when I wanted. That has all changed now. For the better. Our relationship is great, it is strong and I still love him so much, but we are going into uncharted territories for both of us and we are both figuring out what it means and how we are supposed to react. We have new "spats" (I call them that because we haven't had a full on fight yet) about things that I didn't know would matter as much to him, or even me for that matter. We have been doing long distance on and off for the past 2.5 years, usually in like 3 month intervals (3 months of long-distance, then about 3 months time together then back again) this last stretch was 10 months long. We saw each other for 1 week every 6 weeks. It was honestly so hard, but it was comfortable. We always talked about when we were together, when we were not doing long distance, when 'our' life together was going to start...it always seemed like a far off, distant thing that was probably never going to happen. and now it is here. It is that time, that "one day" and it is such a weird thing to re-adjust a lifestyle and relationship. It is even weirder how easy and natural it actually is. There wasnt a weird thing about it. It had been 3 months since I had actually looked at his face (he had no internet so skype dates were hard), to go from not seeing him in 3 months, to all the sudden living with him, its a huge change. It's been amazing, but it is scary.

Another hard thing is not having my own friends, or my own life. Going out, it is just Kevin and I which I love, or with his friends. Which is also great. But something that is needed in every relationship is time apart, time that you are doing what you love to do. Or even making connections with people outside of the relationship. I want friends so badly, and know that they will come but making that first step and meeting new people is so hard. It takes a lot of time. I had forgotten about that. Most of the time, the only real interaction I will have with someone, (In person, real conversations) is with Kevin (well besides the random interactions crazy people on the bus, checker at the grocery store, barista at starbucks, tourist asking me for help with the metros----side note, I LOOK LIKE A LOCAL!----) I feel like my worries and insecurities and desires to have friendship were anticipated by God, as he sent an old friend into my life. Having breakfast with her was needed more than she will ever know. It is just nice to know that in the city there is someone else that I can talk to. Another friend is coming in about a week and hopefully I can reconnect with her as well.

In many ways, the move here is better than I thought it would be. I have started working, made about $500. while that is no where near what I need to be making it is a start. I can pay all my bills this month and next. I have absolutely no regrets in this move, which is great, and my relationship with Kevin has grown so much stronger. I love the adventures we have gone on, the sights that we have seen, and all our plans for the future. Our plans seem to keep evolving with all the things that we want to do. I am so happy that I get to do the adventure this time with my best friend. That we get to finally be on the same page in life. Life in DC is nothing like I imagined, and yet it is everything that I imagined. Things feel good here, and I am excited to spend the next chapter of my life in this fast paced, urban setting. I am excited for the things that DC has to offer and excited to see where my career goes. I am excited to be at the place that I always talked about being. (to decode that gibberish, I always would say "i can't wait till I am with Kevin every day." "Cant wait till I am in DC" "Can't wait till I am on the east coast" "Cant wait for a change" "Cant wait..." for once in a long time I am not in a place where I cant wait....I can wait. I am happy and at this moment in time, I am glad for what I have, glad for where I am, who I am with, and excited to live right here. Not that I didn't before, and not that I have no further dreams and aspirations, but just that I am excited to live this year and this life and if generally nothing changes, I will still be happy.