Friday, June 24, 2011

I am a mountain.

Ha I wish. There are so many things I wish i was good at. One thing even. That at the end of the day I am this. I am not though. I have strengths, everyone does, I have things that I can pick up easily but i am in no way good. Marilyn Monroe has been somewhat of an inspiration for me lately. I have tried so hard to pretend that things don't bug me. That I am completely happy where I am and with who I am. That my goals are close and attainable, That i have no feelings of inadequacy.

It is hard. I have things that bug me. In securities that creep out. I could blame the tormentors of my past. But i have to acknowledge that it is I who give those claims weight. I am the one who lets it get to me. I still have wants. Needs. desires. requirements.

Truth be told, I will settle for less than i actually want unless i really push my self to not do that. It is hard.

I don't want to be this way. But who really does?

Life is what you make it, Sure, but there is only so much that you can do at a time. I can try but i am who i am. I have things that i need and want and it doesn't matter if i constantly repress these desires, I always want them. I have the normal desires; to be loved, to be successful, to thrive, to be wealthy. But there are other things that i want that sometimes i am embarrassed to say.

It is scary and hard to admit that your life is not where you want it. But admitting it, if only to your self is the first step in changing it i suppose.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I am a real person?

My Brother is graduated from High school. 
I remember when I graduated from High School. It was not that long ago. I wanted to be anything and everything. I had like 5 potential jobs for my life. They were all grand, let me tell ya.

I was going to be a writer, own a book shop, a historian and part time archaeologist, I was going to see the world, probably join the peace corps and definitely win the Nobel Peace prize...or a tony.......

I had great dreams and was so free. I wanted to do everything that I could and wasn't about to let anything get in my way. 

When I look back on these 4 years since high school. I have accomplished a few of my goals, I got to see Europe, (though all that trip did was make the list of places to see grow even longer), and I have continued to write (the book has never been finished, but i do practice on the internet every now and then)...

And my list has definitely changed and matured, I mean I want to find a good job, I get to move out and have my own place, and I moved to California. I have grown up a lot in the past four years. A lot in two years and then a lot more in the next two years. 

I hope that in the next 4 years of my life, I will continue to grow but also not forget the dreams that I had when I was younger.

Being on this side of graduation I want to stress to all the younger people in college or heading there; don't waste time. Do exactly the things that you want to do. Don't worry about what people will think or if you will like it, or if you are nervous. The worst that can happen is that you fail at it. But at least you tried there are times that i look back at school and think what if? I am happy with where my life is, but there are other choices that i could have made in college that i wish i had, because when i look back i realize what i was afraid of really isnt a big deal.

So congrats all you high school grads. You are about to head out on the great adventure towards adulthood. =)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Ode to Google.

I have recently re-established my love for stand up comedy, and have started playing it on my Pandora Channel. (Thank God for Pandora right?) It is great. I get to listen to funny segments from the greatest comedians, Jerry Seinfeld, to the not so great, Frank...that guy who had a comedy central tv show for about a minute. I love it. If i was funnier i would be a standup comedian. It would literally be the best job ever, but because thats who my life works, i was born a girl and well, 99% of female comedians arent funny. 

But something that one person said really struck me. He said we are in the age of google. If you arent getting perfect grades in school you are either retarded or you are lazy. You can type in something from your bed and get hundreds of thousands of pages on it. You can lay in bed and type a few words in and have enough information to write a complete encyclopedia on it. 

Not too long ago you had to go to a library, go through all the cards in the dewey decimal system and then search the library to find one of the seven or eight books you were looking for. talk about terrible! I would have probably failed school because when i research something. I will spend at most an hour locating and gleaning information from these places. Thats it. One (1) hour. If i have to spend more than that, i am many things: angry, disgruntled and i stop caring. I will then proceed to stop caring for the rest of the semester. 

Thank God for google.

The worst part of this whole thing is that we are still stupid!!! We have the world of information at our finger tips, literally less than a minute away and still we cannot seem to educate people enough for real conversations. I am so disappointed in society. 

Well time for me to sign off. Dont want to miss "Only in America" with Larry the Cable Guy.....