Friday, June 24, 2011

I am a mountain.

Ha I wish. There are so many things I wish i was good at. One thing even. That at the end of the day I am this. I am not though. I have strengths, everyone does, I have things that I can pick up easily but i am in no way good. Marilyn Monroe has been somewhat of an inspiration for me lately. I have tried so hard to pretend that things don't bug me. That I am completely happy where I am and with who I am. That my goals are close and attainable, That i have no feelings of inadequacy.

It is hard. I have things that bug me. In securities that creep out. I could blame the tormentors of my past. But i have to acknowledge that it is I who give those claims weight. I am the one who lets it get to me. I still have wants. Needs. desires. requirements.

Truth be told, I will settle for less than i actually want unless i really push my self to not do that. It is hard.

I don't want to be this way. But who really does?

Life is what you make it, Sure, but there is only so much that you can do at a time. I can try but i am who i am. I have things that i need and want and it doesn't matter if i constantly repress these desires, I always want them. I have the normal desires; to be loved, to be successful, to thrive, to be wealthy. But there are other things that i want that sometimes i am embarrassed to say.

It is scary and hard to admit that your life is not where you want it. But admitting it, if only to your self is the first step in changing it i suppose.

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